You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
