I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
