fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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