So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
