Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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