u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
