ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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