Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
