Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
too bad you live with your parents still
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
