I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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