It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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