worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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