You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
