I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
