I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
