The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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