I cannot find my penis.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
