I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
