thus making me awesome and them whores
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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