proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
