dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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