just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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