My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
