the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
