I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
