my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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