I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
