Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
