The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
