hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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