He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
