Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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