also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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