my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
