Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
