I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
