clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
