His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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