in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
