That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize