So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
