It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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