I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
