this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize