never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Randomize