I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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