Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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