That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize