Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
we're so committed to being not committed
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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