I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
