So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
