At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
50% drunk capacity currently
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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