You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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