woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
