found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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