and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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