It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
