even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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