Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
